(A modern day take on an old joke, modified to protect the innocent …)

Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day. 

In the morning he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The camel’s died.’

Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’

Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead camel.’

The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’

Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead camel!’

Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead camel?’

Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898.'

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’  

Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.’

Paddy now works for the Commonwealth Bank ...

 

ends

First Con Tact

Here is an Urgent Letter Bottomline received just the other day. We are unsure how to react at this stage. Should we do so, Er, Gently?

..........

I am Mrs Francois,

i have a pending project of fulfillment to put in your hand,

i will need your support to make this ream come through,

could you let me know your interest to enable me give you further information,

and I hereby advice that you send the below mentioned information because I have decided to will/donate the sum of $5.700,000USD to you for the good work of God,

and also to help the motherless and less privilege and also forth assistance of the widows.

...........

We were at a loss as to how to respond, but fortunately this poor Mrs Francois provided a lovely .exe file to assist. Or was that ASSist? 

Unfortunately some techo named Mal must have put his wares into our system and it automatically quarantined and deleted the .exe file … so now we’ll never know what $5.700,000USD would have looked like in our bank account … or how all of our reams would have come through.

 

ends

THE WHOLE blockchain and crypto currency area is certainly one of innovation … especially in the realm of naming these technologies.

Blockchain leader Consensys, for example, has named its Blockchain Business Cloud as Kaleido – which is a SaaS and that makes it sound SaaSsy all right.

And, of course ConsenSys’s Ethereum – probably the world’s best known blockchain value system besides Bitcoin – has its own derivatives fascinatingly named Geth and Quorum. 

Blockchain venture studio ConsenSys also recently joined cloud-based metal concentrates exchange Open Mineral in a joint venture establishing Minerac, a blockchain consortium wanting to change the way mineral commodities trading and connected supply chains operate.

So, it seems the race is on not only to break new ground using blockchain but to also break new ground in SaaSsy brand names.

For example, blockchain startup Ivy was formerly known as IvyKoin and it has teamed up with the cryptocurrency OTC (over-the-counter) broker service known as HiveEx.com.

And then there are collectors and warehouses of these cutting edge technologies such as  Wachsman – before we get carried away, it was founded by David Wachsman, so no need to get too investigative on that name – which has projects in its ‘blockchain ecosystem’ including CoinDesk, eToro, Dash, tZERO, Steemit, Bitfinex, Crypto Valley Association, and Lisk.

Even Malta, which is now calling itself a blockchain island and is seeking to be at the forefront of the global industry, has gotten into the swisho naming and igaming. Well known early-stage players in blockchain gaming, Binance and Okex, have established themselves there.

Now Bottomline sticks to its knitting and is not a leader in any way in developing, let alone understanding, blockchain technologies. However, we fancy our chances of developing some pretty SaaSsy brand names for this sector …

For Australian motor racing: Brockchain.

For property renovation reality TV: TheBlockchain.

For the water treatment and sewerage sector: Shitcoin or Pullerchain.

For the engine reconditioning sector: BlockandTacklechain.

For sheep and pastoral management in general:  Flockchain.

For gun management: Glockchain.

For general door security: Lockchain.

For hairdressing style IP protection: Lockschain.

For fairy tale IP protection: Goldilockschain.

For sweets and chocolate recipe IP protection: Choc-chain.

And last, but certainly not least, Leaders in blockchain organisations: Blockheads.

 

ends

BOTTOMLINE is not sure whether this hotel brochure text presented to us is genuine or not … but we have discovered other genuine brochures that rival it for gentle ribaldry.

So we’ll give it the benefit of the doubt and present you with this cheery hotel brochure text from, apparently, a city in China. We think you will agree that it achieves its marketing objectives – how could you help but have an enjoyable (and even rollicking) stay? And you will certainly tell your friends. 

Getting There: 
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel: 
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant: 
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room: 
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! … You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed: 
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All: 
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

ends

THE best business ideas just seem to roll in to the Bottomline office  on a daily basis, thanks to our extensive and thorough e-mail R&D (that’s Reply and Destroy your business) division.

Check out this exceptional offer – that is, an offer to take exception with – from the ever-innovative John Klok, an IT developer who is clearly part of the giant G-Mail organisation?

********************************************

From: John Klok <This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.;

To: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Subject: :: Your Website/Mobile Work

Hey – Good Day,

This message is to shake your hand with some big business breaks that are ruling the current market picture. Yes it’s right!

With the completion of 5 Years in IT & Software businesses we can share some big business breaks with you ...

We are famous for developing REPLICA for some Big Names similar to: UBER, AirBNB, CrowdFunding, Tinder, Amazon and much more...

If your interests lie, we can deliver the clone for :

Replica of UBER       : (Mobile app + Website)

Replica Of AirBNB   : (Mobile app + Website)

Replica of Ditto      : (Mobile app + Website)

Replica Of Amazon :  (Mobile app + Website)

Replica of Food Panda  : (Mobile app + Website)

Replica of ETSY       : (Mobile app + Website)

Replica of Kickstarter   : (Mobile app + Website)

Replica of Tinder       : (Mobile app + Website)

Replica of FANCY           : (Mobile app + Website) and Much More…..

Hence, if you are questioning for big business opportunity then we are just an email away... Just email me back and be the owner of these platforms in few days.

Note: We can vary the UI if your requirement is similar to upstairs mentioned or ask for more …

We also deal in:

Website Design and Developments

Web/Mobile Apps Developments

Search Engine Optimization

Website Content Writing etc………….

We hope we did not take too much of your time. If you are interested in this great deal, please Skype me at Blowsons

We would be more than happy to answer any questions. 

In Your Success

John

Note: If you don’t want any future email from us, please reply with “Unsubscribe”.

*********************************

Bottomline would now like to show you our eloquent reply to John Klok's e-mail but ... there wasn't one.

 

ends

‘No enterprise can exist for itself alone. It ministers to some great need, it performs some great service, not for itself, but for others; or failing therein, it ceases to be profitable and ceases to exist.” 

- Calvin Coolidge, US President 1924-29. Renowned for his practical understanding of how community and business interrelates.

Zombie economics

One of the most astute economics observers in the world today is John Quiggin, author of the outrageously honest book Zombie Economics: How dead ideas still walk among us, published by Princeton University Press. 

Professor Quiggin has become one of the rare economists still warning of the inherent behaviours and theories that the ‘financial industry’ adhered to – right up until they created the Global Financial Crisis (or, in US parlance, the Great Recession) –  are hardly dead yet.  In fact, they are rising from the grave again. 

Here is a particularly apt piece of wisdom from that marvellous book – published in 2010 when the GFC was alive and well and zombie economics should have been put to rest. It examines all that elegant and perspicacious economic stability theory that completely missed the onset of the GFC – and in fact helped cause it – and so Zombie Economics should be required reading in all good schools of economics and, perhaps, politics:

“For many years economists have worked like the anecdotal drunk who searches for his dropped keys under a lamp post because the light is better there. In the future, and particularly in macroeconomics, economists will need to look where the keys are and build tools that will improve the chances of success.” 

And this cracking analysis of the curious growth of the ‘financial industry’: 

“The growth of the financial sector since the mid-1970s has been staggering. The financial services industry’s share of corporate profits in the United States rose from around 10 percent in the early 1980s to 40 percent in 2007, at a time when the profit share of national income was also growing strongly …

“Volumes of financial activity grew at rates that defy any simple interpretation. The Bank for International Settlements has estimated the global volume of outstanding derivative contracts at around $600 trillion, about ten times the world’s total output. In the normal course of events, most of these transactions net out to zero, but even a small miss-match can produce losses or gains of many billions …

“Along with all this, the income and wealth of those working in the financial sector grew massively, as did their numbers. The salaries of financial sector executives outstripped those prevailing in other industries , at a time when executive salaries in general rose to huge multiples of the incomes of ordinary workers …

“But the political power of the finance sector does not depend solely on command over economic resources. After the economic dislocation of the 1970s, the financial sector became, in perception and to some extent in reality, the most important guarantor of economic stability and prosperity. Governments sought desperately to gain and maintain the AAA ratings issued by agencies such as Moody’s and Standard & Poor’s. The alternative was the political disgrace of a downgrading and the ultimate threat of capital flight …”

The Bottomline? Prof. Quiggin says it elegantly:

“The Global Financial Crisis gives the economics profession the chance to bury the ideas that led the world into crisis, and to produce a more realistic, humble, and above all, socially useful body of thought.”

That was written in 2010. How are our most respected and quoted economists going? How are our politicians, who listen to them, going? Back to our pesky Bottomline: How are we going?

ends

Contact Us

 

PO Box 2144
MANSFIELD QLD 4122